do you think that's a crime?

I just need
I just need to get better.


Right before I was going to leave for the University of Oregon before freshman year, that summer, I got so scared. Ben got a cell phone after we did coke all night and didn't call home. I wanted to go to UC Berkeley, and tried so hard to figure out how to do it. But I didn't. Then I thought about transferring to Humboldt. Maybe Portland? How about New Orleans? Athens, Georgia? I don't know. I always want out.

and and and! cry DJ life portland soundtrack. And now I'm at work. I can do it. I want to do it. I just need more time. School is going to be fun this summer! This I keep telling myself. Without Ben in Eugene to look forward to, I don't know what to look forward to. Shame on me for ending a sentence with a preposition. Part of me feels that Ben hit that wall on purpose, subconsciously, cos he's not really ready to move.

I'm sometimes inconsistent but not right now. Right now every thing has my name stamped on it. Four capital letters. No need to ask my name to figure out how cool I am.

I'm so overwhelmed.