And now you're gone, it's like an echo in my head

My room is getting cleaner, my boyfriend is in rehab. I keep wanting to write him a letter but I know that nothing I write is going to live up to what Kailyn wrote him. I should be writing this in my journal thing but I don't know what happened to it. It feels stupid and worthless anyway. I just want him next to me, to give me kisses. I don't know if anything will ever be perfect between us. I've been wanting it for so long. I want him to be around but maybe Kailyn is right, maybe Eugene is not the place for him. It's up to him to decide, though. It's 4am and I can't sleep and I'm on the verge of tears. I love him so much, I really do. I think I do. I know I do. I started watching the ABC Family show Greek tonight, I really like it. It does not remind me of the Greek system at UO at all, but I bet at other schools there are systems similar.

I went to Reed today (which is when Kailyn gave me that note) and I realized that maybe I should have given the school a closer look. It seems to be pretty rad, but so is Oregon. Just to clarify, I have no problems with Kailyn. I no longer think that she is trying to steal my boyfriend or anything. She has her own boyfriend, and she just loves Ben a lot, as I do. I'm just so sad. I hate going through the motions and nothing really feels like too much fun anymore. I just want to see him. I would move home, if he would let me. He wants to get better. I'm afraid he's going to sober up and not love me anymore but I can't write that in a letter to him because it would just stress him out but I still want to tell him because he's my best friend and my lover and I'm in love and I should be able to tell him how I'm feeling. Maybe I should just write it all down (like I am right now) and maybe show him later, when he gets out. There is nothing I want to keep from him.

I'm scared about Sheila and Amanda graduating. I'm scared about next year, being here by myself. I know I'll meet new people and everything will be fine, but it doesn't mean I'm not scared. It's like when Dan and Noelle and the rest of the class of 2003 graduated from high school. It was scary. But I'm not a freshman anymore, even though I feel like one. I'm so much younger than everybody else. It doesn't really matter, that much, I mean, maybe it does.

There might be bugs living inside my broken ass computer. That's also okay with me.

I have a paper due tomorrow. I didn't do last week's, so I have to do this week's. I also have a different paper due on Thursday on a book I have yet to really read. I think I've read 20 or so pages out of 150 or 200. I should have planned my time better. I'll plan this week out. Get some work done.

I like making money, and I like working at DDS but being up late at night really makes me depressed. Around 3:30 I start crying and end up staying all night and having really puffy eyes the next day. Maybe I should get a new job. We'll see if I get co-director. Sheila wants me to be co-director of APS, but I think that'd be kind of fucked up. I'm going to apply at APS if I don't get DDS co-director. I'm also applying for AGM and Programming and Music Director at the station, I'm just going to let Charlotte pick which one she thinks I'd be best at.

I miss him so much. So much. I can't even describe, it's all I think about. I feel alone, all alone in the universe. I don't know what to do. I can't call him ever, I have to wait until he calls, and even then I get five minutes. I am in love with an incredible man and I just want to have a normal relationship with him, wherein which we are living in the same place. I am really scared that he's not going to want me anymore. I don't know how I would deal with that. I want to tell him all these things but I don't know what's okay to tell him and what is going to end up upsetting him. Maybe when he calls tomorrow I'll ask him. I hope he doesn't call during class, I'd feel awkward walking out. I'd have to walk out, though. I need to talk to him.

I'm so stressed out!!!!!!!! Ben makes me feel better. I need him, he needs me. Maybe it's uncomfortably co-dependent, but it works for us. We're in love. I think we're in love. I hope we're in love. I have dreams about marrying him and having children. We make each other so happy, I feel invincible when I'm with him. I can do anything, so can he. We are going to take over the world together. Really make a difference. But he is the one who needs to make the changes right now. I feel almost as bad as I did when Greg and I broke up junior year of high school, but nobody has broken up with anybody. It's all in my head. That is messed up. How can I convince myself out of being so sad once I've convinced myself in? I don't know.

I decided that this is where my new journal is going to reside. Yay internet. I'm going to watch another episode of Greek and try to pass out. I know I need to stop crying first, but I'll figure that out.

And also, I miss Clark.