you told me right but i did wrong, you don't know where to begin.

Lemoine's Conjecture - "Of What Never Happened"
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thrujenseyes/3114728168/

Reishahr - "Justly Undervalued By Others"
http://www.flickr.com/photos/x_jessica_rose_x/3111102214/

Sędek, Masovian Voivodeship - "You Earn No Money"
http://www.flickr.com/photos/godi24/3113493081/

Belfast Harbour Police - "Sun From Both Sides"
http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisamiyake/3117101973/

M&G Records - "But Do Not Forget"
http://www.flickr.com/photos/fsaka/3120549128/

Theodor Reik - "All Over The Floor"
http://www.flickr.com/photos/creepella_gruesome/3111393430/

Thiago Fernandes dos Santos - "Eventually Leads To Success"
http://www.flickr.com/photos/9321311@N06/3111829910/

Songs.

Wolf Parade - Modern World
Jeff Magnum - Up And Over We Go
Mr. Oizo - Flat Beat
Plastic Operator - Another Sound

http://www.flickr.com/photos/98609590@N00/3084500542/

week six, school is alright. keep staying up late and missing class. it's dumb of me. bought another pack of cigarettes. yeah, yeah, i know, i know. got a promotion, of sorts. more like took a new job and gave up the old one. but that's life. and noodles, and bowls. and too many clothes. and i keep losing things. my mind is always elsewhere: new york, chicago, oakland, portland. austin? yeah, even a little bit. i'm sick of carrots. too much tofu, not enough flowers. everything is dingy and grimy, which would be acceptable elsewhere. but not here. i like my boots, i think i got robbed. sleep soon.

Oregon facts:

The highest altitude in Oregon is Mount Hood at 11,239 feet.
The Oregon state animal is the American Beaver.
The Oregon state beverage is milk.
The Oregon state bird is the Western Meadowlark.
There are 36 counties in Oregon.
Multnomah County is the smallest county in Oregon by land area (465 square miles) but the largest by population (692,825 people).
The Oregon state dance is the square dance.
The Oregon state fish is the Chinook salmon.
The Oregon state colors are blue and gold.
The Oregon state flower is the Oregon Grape.
The Oregon state fruit is the pear.
The Oregon state gem is the Oregon sunstone.
The Oregon state insect is the Oregon Swallowtail.
Oregon has 27 judicial districts.
Crater Lake is the United States' deepest lake at 1,996 feet deep.
There are approximately 1,780 lakes in Oregon.
The Oregon state motto is "She Flies With Her Own Wings".
The Oregon state mushroom is the Pacific golden chanterelle.
Oregon has 5 native American reservations and 10 nationally-recognized tribes.
The Oregon state nut is the hazelnut.
Oregon is the tenth biggest state by area in the United States.
The Oregon state rock is the Thunder-egg.
Oregon has 199 school districts.
The Oregon state song is "Oregon, My Oregon" by J.A. Buchanan of Astoria and Henry B. Murtagh of Portland.
The Oregon state tree is the Douglas-fir.

I regret the lie that brought out the truth
But I do not regret finding out.

Also, new tat:

as the quiet becomes suddenly verbose.

I am ready for things to be okay, and I'm worried that that'll never happen.

accusation, annotation, she figured me out

I worked tonight. We had two rides and watched two movies. And I got absolutely nothing done.

It's so weird, this week. My messy room and my messier life. I feel ridiculous.

I'm making friends with new people, I guess.

For music needs hit http://djbonecrusher.blogspot.com. Radio setlists and such.

I feel like a dirty person. I need to make a change. I feel so nervous.

Sleep, I guess. Worry about it all tomorrow.

We'll worry about it all tomorrow.

tune me in, turn me out

Setlist 7/14/08 6:30pm - 8pm
Rotation Roundup

Spiritualized - Soul On Fire
Architecture In Helsinki - Beef In A Box
Walter Meego - Forever
Mirah - Lonesome Sundown
The Cool Kids - What Up Man
Health - Crimewave (Crystal Castles vs. Health)
Odd Nosdam - Freshman Remix (Thee More Shallows)
Saul Williams - Sunday Bloody Sunday
The Melvins - Suicide In Progress
Brendan Caning - Hit The Wall
Sound Tribe Sector 9 - Shock Doctrine
Daedelus - Twist The Kids feat. N'Fa
Ladytron - Ghosts
Dr. Dog - The Old Days
The Notwist - Alphabet
Sigur Ros - Gobbledigook
SJ Esau - Bubblehead
Awkward Stage - Your Heart Serves Only You
Wolf Parade - Call It A Ritual
Free Kitten - The Poet
Hot Cha Cha - J'Accuse

I am so scared of my roommate. Every time he calls me I get nervous, every time we have a conversation I'm afraid he's going to yell at me. It's really detrimental and frustrating. He clearly has no respect for me and doesn't think much of my life or my lifestyle choices. I guess that's okay. I just wish I didn't have to see him every day. I can't wait to move out.

when i got the music, i got a place to go!

Setlist 7/3/08 6:30pm-7pm

Flying Lotus - Comet Course
Minus the Bear - Hey! Is That A Ninja Up There?
Health - Heaven
The Cool Kids - What Up Man
The Notwist - Good Lies
Walter Meego - Forever
The Black Kids - I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You

radio (too much profanity)

Setlist 7/3/08 2pm-4pm

Health - Glitter Pills
Health - Perfect Skin
Munk - Live Fast Die Old (Ed Banger Allstars Remix)
Santogold - L.E.S. Artistes (Ooh Ee Remix)
Vampire Weekend - Oxford Comma (Burntpiano Edit)
CSS - Alala (Billion Dollar DJs Bombosity Remix)
Thunderheist - Jerk It (Jokers of the Scene Remix)
The Emergency - Too Much (Shazam Remix)
The Presets - Talk Like That (Miami Horror Remix)
M.I.A. - Bucky Done Gun (Billion Dollar DJs Remix For Kicks)
The Black Ghosts - Some Way Through This (Plastician & Skream Remix)
The Black Ghosts - Any Way You Choose To Give It
Joe and Will Ask? - The Things That Dreams Are Made Of
Little Boots - Meddle (Toddla T Remix)
Robots In Disguise - The Tears (Billion Dollar Djs Funk Panic Remix)
Hercules and Love Affair - You Belong
Boys Noize - Oh! (A-Trak Remix)
Danger - 11h30
Cut Copy - Lights and Music (Boys Noize Happy Birthday Remix)
Estelle - American Boy feat. Kanye West (Danger Remix)
Health - Lost Time
Crystal Castles - Courtship Dating
The Ting Tings - Great DJ (Calvin Harris Remix)

dwise@uoregon.edu
ben@nw-arts.com
greenteacher@gmail.com
broadfunk@gmail.com

Setlist 7/2/08 2pm-4pm

The Books - The Lemon Of Pink
The Books - Tokyo
Gruvis Malt - The Fists Of Protocol
Metric - Soft Rock Star
The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!
The Thermals - Returning To The Fold
Sky's The Limit - Nostalgia
OK Go - Hello, My Treacherous Friends
Why? - Dumb Hummer
Tortoise & Bonnie 'Prince' Billy - It's Expected I'm Gone
Health - Glitter Pills
Minus The Bear - Monkey!!! Knife!!! Fight!!!
The Go! Team - Huddle Formation
Muscles - Ice Cream
Tullycraft - The Punks Are Writing Love Songs
Chromeo - Fancy Footwork
Hercules and Love Affair - Time Will
Hercules and Love Affair - Hercules Theme
Hercules and Love Affair - You Belong
Hercules and Love Affair - Athene
Hercules and Love Affair - Blind
Hercules and Love Affair - Iris
Hercules and Love Affair - Easy
Hercules and Love Affair - This Is My Love
Hercules and Love Affair - Raise Me Up
Hercules and Love Affair - True/False, Fake/Real
Hercules and Love Affair - Classique #2

So Sheila fucking blocks me on facebook? I guess I post too many embarrassing things of her online? You can untag that shit, or ask me to take it down, but fucking blocking me? Are we this fucking immature? We are adults, you are a fucking COLLEGE GRADUATE. Talk to me. If you don't want to be friends anymore fucking man up and say it. NOBODY has the right to make me feel bad unless I am legitimately doing something wrong. I feel fucking terrible and I haven't done anything. How the fuck am I supposed to know what you're going to find embarrassing? Am I a fucking psychic now? Grow the fuck up. I am so fucking sick of this shit. I can't wait until you leave, so I don't have to deal with your passive aggressive bullshit anymore. I am fucking done.

UPDATE: She deleted her account. "Nice of you to jump to that though." Goddamnit.

radio

Setlist 6/26/08 2pm-5pm

M.I.A. - Paper Planes (DFA Remix)
Little Boots - Stuck On Repeat (Fake Blood Remix)
Hail Social - No Paradise (Diamond Cut Rebuff)
Chromeo - Fancy Footwork (RAC Remix)
DJ Shadow - Midnight In A Perfect World (Hensforth Remix)
Casa del Mirto - She's Homeless
The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name (Kasper Bjørke Remix)
A-Trak - Say Whoa
Midnight Juggernauts - Into The Galaxy
Calvin Harris - Vegas
Daft Punk - Face To Face
The Pharcyde - Passin' Me By (Hot Chip Remix)
Black Kids - Hurricane Jane (Sqzmylmns Remix)
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Gold Lion (Diplo Remix)
James Pants - We're Through
The Ting Tings - Shut Up and Let Me Go (Classixx Remix)
Digitalism - Pogo
The Black Ghosts - Repetition Kills You (Laidback Luke Remix)
Bloc Party - Hunting For Witches (Villains Electro-Banger Remix)
Daft Punk - Technologic (Digitalism Highway Remix)
SebastiAn - H.A.L. (Kids Club Remix)
--
Spiritualized - Soul On Fire
Ladytron - Ghosts
The Watson Twins - Fall
Black Kids - I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance
David Ramos - Kings and Queens
Walter Meego - Lush
Cineplexx - A Mi Lado
Free Kitten - Surf's Up
Cut Copy - Lights And Music
James Pants - Dragonslayer
The Black Ghosts - Any Way You Choose To Give It
M83 - Graveyard Girl

30th post

http://aethereverywhere.com/discuss/showthread.php?tid=71

KKYC - "Truly Great Swindles Are"

ew grades

32790 JDST 213 Jewish Encounter Mod A-
34285 PPPM 280 Intro Non-Profit Sect C

Term Total: 2.85



ew.

auth start home -- in between yawns

Saturday:

Woke up at ten thirty after going to sleep at five. Nightmares about Ben dying. Sheila and Jimbo are already awake and eating melon. Sheila had changed, gone home, gotten her car. She says she couldn't sleep cos I was snoring. She was joking, I took it seriously and got upset. They left. I met up with Kelsh and went to Humble Bagel with him. Then we walked around and talked. It was so awesome, he is such a genuine individual. He is going back to Hong Kong for the summer (something I've never done) and then to Spain for a year on study abroad (with Dan Mayer, actually). I went home after, watched The Office for a couple hours (great show, I'm bringing the DVD home so Mom and I can watch them), and then walked to campus (rec center) for the romance languages department commencement. It was cool! Sheila and Amanda graduated, as did Rose and Dustin from DU. I didn't talk to them, but it was cool that they were there. Went home, changed, dropped Jim off, and ate some food in the park with Sheila and her mom, Pam. I like her too. While we were at the park this crazy homeless guy drinking a 40 came over and bothered us sortof. I kindof abandoned Ziggy and her mom and called Ryan. It was good to talk to him. About 2 seconds after I got off the phone he called me back and asked me to be his date for South Eugene High School's graduation. So he picked me up, I put my dress back on, and we went to SEHS graduation at the Hult Center. It was pretty boring, but one of Ryan's youth group kids was graduating and he goes to all of their graduations, apparently. Cori texted me while I was there -- she found out that Libby was fucking McLane. Is fucking McLane. So terrible, I told her I'd call her when it was over. Once his kid's name was called (Andrew Whitmore) we left and went over to the Broadway Block Party. Nobody showed up, and by the time we got there the show was free! Which was cool, but it sucks that nobody came. Serves Mike right for being an asshole promoter. We watched two songs of Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and went back towards the Hult Center, where all of the graduates were outside. We found his kid and talked to the family for a while (super awkward). When we left, I was hungry so we went to Safeway. Who was there? Chris fucking Varian. I was so upset. I barely said anything to him. Ryan dropped me off at home, and I told him I'd meet up with him at this party on 24th and Kincaid (where his friends live). Cori came over soon after and we went out to dinner at Lucky Noodle (something I wanted to do the night before but Cori talked me out of, she thought it would be too busy with graduations and everything). We ended up getting there at 9h40, so we had a late dinner. Complained about our respective problems. Cori cried a couple times, and I don't blame her. What Libby did was pretty fucked up. She dropped me off at home and I waited a minute and walked over to 24th and Kincaid. It was kind of lame, but Ryan halfway through a fifth of rum was pretty entertaining. I left there with Danny after a little bit and he dropped me off at Amanda's, where I hung out with her, her brother Spike and Patrick for a minute. Amanda gave me a ride home shortly thereafter and I went back to 24th and Kincaid. Ryan was drunker, and the party was lamer. Ryan came with me to my house and "helped me pack" which really meant stood in my doorway drunkenly and make silly comments. Then I stayed up all night, drove to the airport, and flew back to California.

The trip was really fun, so much to write about. Another time.

Was losing all my friends. Was losing them to drinking and to driving. Was losing all my friends, but I got them back. I am on the mend. At least now I can say that I was trying. And I hope you will forget the things I still lack. Is it in you now to bear the truths that you were spoken? Twisted up by knaves in a trap for fools. Is it in you now to watch the things you gave your life to broken? You stoop and build them up with worn out tools. Nothing gets so bad, a whisper from your father couldn't fix it. Your whispers like a bridge, he's a river span. Take all that you have and turn it into something you were missing. Somebody threw that brick and shattered all your plans. Time to get the seeds and put them in the cold ground. It takes a while to grow anything before it's coming to an end. Before you put my body in the cold ground, take some time to warm it with your hands before it's coming to an end. Do you miss the blend of the colors she left in your black and white field? Do you feel condemned just being there? I am not your friend. I am just a man who knows how to feel. I am not your friend. I'm not your lover. I'm not your family.

I am so heartbroken.

I just want to cry.

He fucked it up. He didn't want to be with me and he fucked it up. I wish he would just really tell me what he's thinking, why he did that. WHY THE FUCK DID HE DO THAT! Now he's not going to move here for another fucking year and I can't handle it without him. Every time he tells me he's going to he never does. It's been two years and he hasn't yet. He says he loves me, but he sure has a funny way of showing it.

when i got the music i got a place to go

Setlist 6/12/08 2pm-4pm
BANGERZ R NOT DEAD

Circuit Freq - Black Chrome
Goose - Bring It On (MSTRKRFT JFK Remix)
Shinici Osawa - Electro411 (Lies In Disguise Remix)
MGMT - Electric Feel (Justice Remix)
Boys Noize - Let's Buy Happiness (Proxy Remix)
Daft Punk - Around The World (Villains More Cowbell DJ Edit)
Felix Da Housecat - Radio (Shinici Osawa Remix)
Switches - Every Second Counts (Ocelot Remix)
Boys Noize - Ne.Oh!.Pen (Danger Remix)
Santogold - Creator
Flufftronix - Bigger Than Hip-Hop (Ghetto House Refix)
Lil Mama - Lip Gloss
The Presets - This Boy's In Love (Lifelike Remix)
The Ting Tings - Great DJ (Calvin Harris Remix)
DJ STV SLV - Shut Up, American Boy
Midnight Juggernauts - Dystopia
Hot Chip - Ready For The Floor (Soulwax Nite Version)
Boys Noize - My Head (Para One Remix)
Danger - 11h30
Revolte - Ironical Skepticism (Grim Remix)
Boys Noize - Oh! (A-Trak Remix)
Dragonette - I Get Around (Midnight Juggernauts Remix)

gnashville

So I'm writing my paper, but real quick things to do when home:

Pirate festival with Cody
Team!! meeting at some point
lunch with Caroline and a VISIT TO TERRORBIRD AH MY FUTURE JOB HOPEFULLY
coffee with Ben
on 15th see Kayleigh and Zack (but not Jeremy :( sad day)
dim sum with Daniel!

So so fun so so excited.

6h40am flight out sunday morning.
part of me hopes i don't have to see kailyn while there, at least not at the same time as seeing ben. I don't want Ben to compare me to her cos she's prettier than me.

do you think that's a crime?

I just need
I just need to get better.


Right before I was going to leave for the University of Oregon before freshman year, that summer, I got so scared. Ben got a cell phone after we did coke all night and didn't call home. I wanted to go to UC Berkeley, and tried so hard to figure out how to do it. But I didn't. Then I thought about transferring to Humboldt. Maybe Portland? How about New Orleans? Athens, Georgia? I don't know. I always want out.

and and and! cry DJ life portland soundtrack. And now I'm at work. I can do it. I want to do it. I just need more time. School is going to be fun this summer! This I keep telling myself. Without Ben in Eugene to look forward to, I don't know what to look forward to. Shame on me for ending a sentence with a preposition. Part of me feels that Ben hit that wall on purpose, subconsciously, cos he's not really ready to move.

I'm sometimes inconsistent but not right now. Right now every thing has my name stamped on it. Four capital letters. No need to ask my name to figure out how cool I am.

I'm so overwhelmed.

that's what the ghost of someone's dad might say

Today I woke up and had lunch with Steven and Julian at Cafe Siena. Then I went to the doctor.

I was bringing van 3 to Kendall to get it fixed, but its battery is all shitty. So we jumped it, using van 2, and I pulled out of the lot. As I turned off of 17th onto Agate, it died -- right in front of the fire station. So Grant and Ryan, both wearing DDS sweatshirts (which we got today), pushed the van a block down to jump it AGAIN with van 2 and bring it back to the lot. Then Ryan and I drove down to Kendall for no reason. It was silly.

Ben will not be in Eugene for at least another six months, with all of this DUI stuff to take care of. It's so hard. Part of me wants to go move back there but Eugene has so much for me. It would be sort of ridiculous to drop everything to go hang out with him, especially since we're not dating right now. I mean, fuck, I don't know. It's so hard to think about.

Especially when I'm supposed to be writing a paper! But I'm not. I might start trying to find quotes. I can do that.

Listening to Why? makes me disappointed now cos my interview sucked. I suck, sometimes.

steve walks merrily down the street with his brim pulled way down low

Just got back from the Oregon coast. Ben and I are taking a break. I miss him already. I miss him all the time. I have a paper due in 5 hours. I think I'm just going to sit here and write it, straight. I have one page of five done. And then another paper and then I'm done with my second year of college. Kind of intimidating.

Clark called me today! From France. Apparently he and Lindsey broke up (like in March or something). He's coming back September 3, Lindsey has left already and is going back to Tulsa. I'm so excited that he called. It was nice to hear from him.

Also, I have made another new friend! Besides Rachel that I met at that party Friday night that Thom DJ'd, I mean. Danny and I were friends previously but we had never smoked together and we hiked six miles together over sand dunes yesterday, which was pretty awesome. He's a cool guy, I like him a lot, and I plan to hang out with him way more.

I also stopped biting my nails. Things are looking up, sortof. I miss Ben. I can't tell what he's thinking, if he wants me around at all. I just don't know. But I don't have time to worry about it now. Paper to write.

Turns out Sheila's apartment is going to work out, she's going to move out at the end of August. I should write my paper.

i really fucked up.

So last night Ben totaled his truck and got a DUI. I went to a party and danced. At one point he was sober and decided to drink. Relationships are about dependability. I am still in love and in so much pain.

Alex Barrows may end up here tonight?

Kailyn has talked to him. He can't talk to me so he talks to Kailyn and all of my old insecurities resurface. I miss him so much. All the time and always and he's the love of my life but I need him to be strong because sometimes I can't be strong. I need him. I love him. I want to try again but I know I have to wait. I can't wait to see him.

laaaate.

Work was good and fun but I am dumb and drank coffee. I will be up for a while. I should do something, y'know, productive, but I just don't see it happening. Maybe I'll just fuck around on the internet some more.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I'm moving to 1760 Mill. 7 people, though? Should I find another apartment? Gah, I'm so frustrated, and my head hurts. I think I'm just going to smoke a bowl and go to sleep.

oh, and alex barrows is coming soon! saturday, she's coming up.

sent.

So I found a place to live, I think. It's on 17th and Mill, with Sarah Cousins and David Fruchter and Michael Galen. It would be fun. I hope it works out, it's relatively cheap. Oh and this made me cry:

Hey Lyzi,
So, there have been many things that I've wanted to say to you, and I wanted to actually talk to you about them in person, but I'm just really busy and the situation has become even more pressing. You are one of my best friends, and I love you. Sometimes I think you think that this will change, but sadly you are fucking stuck with me for life. I'm sorry if I seem mad at you sometimes, it's just that sometimes, I can't take the drama. I know that you can't either. I've dealt with my fair share of my own emotional issues and I wanted to offer some advice. One of the biggest things I had to learn was how to cope with things that seem really overwhelming. How I had to do it was, stop smoking pot everyday and binge drinking, and when a situation came up that all I wanted to do was cry and scream, I went for a run. Afterwards, I was just too tired to be emotional about it and the issue just seemed a lot smaller and easier to deal with. I know that everyone has different coping mechanisms, but this one worked really well for me and I know you said you started to run not too long ago. I also wanted to suggest that you start to see a counselor. When I was a freshman, and I was really having a hard time (i.e. really suicidal) this made all the difference. Just the act of telling someone who doesn't know anything, everything was so amazing and relieving. I'm sorry if I'm giving you advice that you already know, but maybe a reminder is all you needed and to know that I'm here for you. It's just that you need to start to take a more active role in dealing with these issues. Because as hard as they can be for me, I can only imagine what you are going through. And you don't deserve to be this unhappy. You are an amazing intelligent wonderful person, and I'm starting to think that maybe you have forgotten this. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have people love and respect you. I know that I've added to the stress that you've been feeling and I'm sorry about that. I know I'm lame with the MD stuff, but I'm just so beyond burnt out on it. And we'll figure something out about the living situations. Maybe Ben will get his shit together? Either way I love you and I always will. . .just please, start to take care of yourself! We need to go and have adventures this summer!
-zig

I think I'm going to go for a run.

radio! ratio! radio! mid day dance breakkk

Setlist 6/5/08 2pm - 4pm

Minus the Bear - Hey! Is That A Ninja Up There?
Chromeo - Mercury Tears
Estelle - American Boy feat. Kanye West (Nadastrom Remix)
Boys Noize - Oh!
Jamie Lidell - Out Of My System
James Pants - Cosmic Rapp
Brazilian Girls - Jique (MSTRKRFT Remix)
DJ Earworm - United State of Pop
Santogold - L.E.S. Artistes (XXXChange Remix)
Usher - Love In This Club (MSTRKRFT Remix)
The K.G.B. - Lover Undercover
Ratatat - Mirando
The Blow - Pile Of Gold
Sound Tribe Sector 9 - Tokyo
Minus The Bear - Absinthe Party At The Fly Honey Warehouse
Circuit Freq - Black Chrome
Daft Punk - Technologic
Justice vs. M.I.A. - Phantom Done Gun (Kids Club)
Cut Copy - Lights and Music
Daft Punk - Aerodynamite
Aquagen - Everybody's Free
YACHT - The Magic Beat
The Pharcyde - Runnin' (Philippeans Remix)
The Ting Tings - Great DJ (Calvin Harris Remix)

DAMNIT

So last night Sheila told me that she wants to stay in her apartment until November 1, which totally fucks me over. I'm mad, but she's my friend, and I don't know what to do. it's so fucked that she waited so long to tell me, but I guess she didn't decide until then that that was what she wanted to do. It definitely fucks me over, though, cos either I need to find somewhere to live for two months or somewhere to live for the whole year. I can do that, but fuck. This sucks.

Setlist 5/29/08 2pm-4pm
w/ DJ Burmese - SASQUATCH SHOW!

Love In This (African) Club - Chief Boima
Jamie Lidell - Little Bit Of Feel Good Goes A Long Way
The Breeders - Invisible Man
Built To Spill - Distopian Dream Girl
Tegan and Sara - Walking With The Ghost
Death Cab For Cutie - Why You'd Want To Live Here
Flight of the Conchords - Business Time
M.I.A. - Paper Planes (DFA Remix)
The Flaming Lips - Yeah Yeah Yeah Song
Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks - Vanessa From Queens
James Pants - Dragonslayer
James Pants - Crystal Lite feat. Deon Davis
Mates of State - Like U Crazy
Modest Mouse - Doin' The Cockroach
The Flaming Lips - Do You Realize??
Hot Chip - And I Was A Boy From School
Chromeo - You're So Gangsta
Robyn - Be Mine (Ocelot Mthrfckrs Remix)
Lil Mama - Lip Gloss
Odd Nosdam - Untitled Three (JBs OG Mix)
Four Tet - Ribbons
Hail Social - One U Love (Pink Skull)
Cansei De Ser Sexy - Let's Make Love And Listen To Death From Above
Huey Lewis and the News - Power Of Love (Don LaRue Edit)
MSTRKRFT - Easy Love

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

Thanks to slashdot, I just found the coolest thing on the internet: Six Degrees of Wikipedia. Think Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, but with links in between articles. I got from Chip's Challenge to Kugel in 4 clicks.

So I just got back from Sasquatch with KWVA and I fucking hate Collin. He is such a fucking dick and I wish I didn't live with him. He is so fucking rude. I hate him hate him HATE HIM. I hope I never have to see him again after this year. I just want nothing to do with him. Sasquatch was so fun and then he fucking ruins my fucking life. FUCK HIM I HATE HIM.

Also I went home this weekend and I saw Ben and I am in looove and we saw Triclops! and XBXRX at the Gilman and I wrote a paper at Gaylord's. I really enjoyed myself. And I hung out with ALEX BARROWS and we talked about Greg.

So I had a bad show. It happens to everyone. Right? Ugh, it's not like Collin is so much better than me. But maybe that's what I'm afraid of. Maybe he IS better than me. I can't stand the guy. Self centered and kind of an asshole. But I did do a shitty job. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm going to bike and climb and swim. I need to get a swimsuit. On the to do list. I need to clean my room, do laundry, review CDs. I'm so behind with CD reviewing. I need to get my computer fixed. All I wanna do is lay in bed, that's all I wanna do. Damnit. I hate Collin. He always makes me feel awful.

I feel fat. Really fat. I might do a week of vegetables, coffee, and cigarettes. That might make me lose a smidge of weight and feel better. Especially if I bike and swim and climb. I want Ben here. I want to go on more hikes. I want more time. I'm overwhelmed.

I feel awful today. I missed class. I need to get out of the late night.

radio setlisttttt

Setlist 5/13/08 12am - 2am

Daft Punk - Da Funk / Daftendirekt
Robyn - Be Mine (Ocelot Mthrfckrs Remix)
Ratatat - Loud Pipes
MSTRKRFT - The Looks
MGMT - Electric Feel
M.I.A. - Paper Planes
Flosstradamus - Overnight Star
Hot Chip - Ready For The Floor
KGB - Kryptonite
Locale AM - Caela Green
Mike Doughty - Idiot Kings
Boys Noize - Oh! (A-Trak Remix)
Jamie Lidell - A Little Bit Of Feel Good
Muse - Plug In Baby
Estelle - American Boy feat. Kanye West (Nadastrom Remix)
Atmosphere - Shoulda Known
The Ting Tings - Great DJ (Calvin Harris Remix)
Chief Boima - Love In This (African) Club
The Knife - You Make Me Like Charity (Lazaro Casanova Tax)
Yelle - Ce Jeu (Videoband Remix)
Jacknife Lee - Making Me Money (Switch Remix)
Dragonette - I Get Around (Midnight Juggernauts Remix)
The Black Ghosts - Any Way You Choose To Give It (The Whip Remix)
Rihanna - Don't Stop The Music (LAZRtag Club Remix)

the chemicals between us

Ben is coming out, maybe even before I get home. Which would be awesome. I listen to all the songs he loves and I hate and I start to love him. Love them. Love him. I'm going to lavaliere him when I see him. Maybe not when I see him, but whenever I get the lavaliere. Because he is mine, forever and ever. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I am so sad. I am watching episode after episode of Greek. I wish I was in that show. I wish that was my life and not all this bullshit.

And now you're gone, it's like an echo in my head

My room is getting cleaner, my boyfriend is in rehab. I keep wanting to write him a letter but I know that nothing I write is going to live up to what Kailyn wrote him. I should be writing this in my journal thing but I don't know what happened to it. It feels stupid and worthless anyway. I just want him next to me, to give me kisses. I don't know if anything will ever be perfect between us. I've been wanting it for so long. I want him to be around but maybe Kailyn is right, maybe Eugene is not the place for him. It's up to him to decide, though. It's 4am and I can't sleep and I'm on the verge of tears. I love him so much, I really do. I think I do. I know I do. I started watching the ABC Family show Greek tonight, I really like it. It does not remind me of the Greek system at UO at all, but I bet at other schools there are systems similar.

I went to Reed today (which is when Kailyn gave me that note) and I realized that maybe I should have given the school a closer look. It seems to be pretty rad, but so is Oregon. Just to clarify, I have no problems with Kailyn. I no longer think that she is trying to steal my boyfriend or anything. She has her own boyfriend, and she just loves Ben a lot, as I do. I'm just so sad. I hate going through the motions and nothing really feels like too much fun anymore. I just want to see him. I would move home, if he would let me. He wants to get better. I'm afraid he's going to sober up and not love me anymore but I can't write that in a letter to him because it would just stress him out but I still want to tell him because he's my best friend and my lover and I'm in love and I should be able to tell him how I'm feeling. Maybe I should just write it all down (like I am right now) and maybe show him later, when he gets out. There is nothing I want to keep from him.

I'm scared about Sheila and Amanda graduating. I'm scared about next year, being here by myself. I know I'll meet new people and everything will be fine, but it doesn't mean I'm not scared. It's like when Dan and Noelle and the rest of the class of 2003 graduated from high school. It was scary. But I'm not a freshman anymore, even though I feel like one. I'm so much younger than everybody else. It doesn't really matter, that much, I mean, maybe it does.

There might be bugs living inside my broken ass computer. That's also okay with me.

I have a paper due tomorrow. I didn't do last week's, so I have to do this week's. I also have a different paper due on Thursday on a book I have yet to really read. I think I've read 20 or so pages out of 150 or 200. I should have planned my time better. I'll plan this week out. Get some work done.

I like making money, and I like working at DDS but being up late at night really makes me depressed. Around 3:30 I start crying and end up staying all night and having really puffy eyes the next day. Maybe I should get a new job. We'll see if I get co-director. Sheila wants me to be co-director of APS, but I think that'd be kind of fucked up. I'm going to apply at APS if I don't get DDS co-director. I'm also applying for AGM and Programming and Music Director at the station, I'm just going to let Charlotte pick which one she thinks I'd be best at.

I miss him so much. So much. I can't even describe, it's all I think about. I feel alone, all alone in the universe. I don't know what to do. I can't call him ever, I have to wait until he calls, and even then I get five minutes. I am in love with an incredible man and I just want to have a normal relationship with him, wherein which we are living in the same place. I am really scared that he's not going to want me anymore. I don't know how I would deal with that. I want to tell him all these things but I don't know what's okay to tell him and what is going to end up upsetting him. Maybe when he calls tomorrow I'll ask him. I hope he doesn't call during class, I'd feel awkward walking out. I'd have to walk out, though. I need to talk to him.

I'm so stressed out!!!!!!!! Ben makes me feel better. I need him, he needs me. Maybe it's uncomfortably co-dependent, but it works for us. We're in love. I think we're in love. I hope we're in love. I have dreams about marrying him and having children. We make each other so happy, I feel invincible when I'm with him. I can do anything, so can he. We are going to take over the world together. Really make a difference. But he is the one who needs to make the changes right now. I feel almost as bad as I did when Greg and I broke up junior year of high school, but nobody has broken up with anybody. It's all in my head. That is messed up. How can I convince myself out of being so sad once I've convinced myself in? I don't know.

I decided that this is where my new journal is going to reside. Yay internet. I'm going to watch another episode of Greek and try to pass out. I know I need to stop crying first, but I'll figure that out.

And also, I miss Clark.